So here we are, as all the media outlets tell us, either "on the brink," "nearing," "really, really near," or "just about ready for" war. The fingers are hovering over the buttons, the magazines are locked, the missiles are hot, and the PX is sold out of poker cards, dice and anything resembling a game of chance.

This can only mean one thing: it's time for us to roll out our latest superweapon -- the battlefield blockbuster that will have our enemies soiling their dainties at the mere thought of it being employed against them.

And, never one to fail us, the U.S. military braintrust (Motto: Unmanned means never having to say you're sorry) has come up with MOAB, the massive ordinance air blast. This impressive piece of weaponry was recently tested in Florida, where it failed in its mission by completely missing the Disney complex. Mickey escaped unscathed.

Impressive as it is, the MOAB isn't the sort of whizbang military hardware we've come to expect, though. It's just a honking big version of a conventional bomb ... sort of akin to taping 10 firecrackers together instead of lighting them one at a time. It'll get the job done, but in the high-tech world of smart bombs, laser targeting and satellite spying, it's a throwback to the days when whoever had the bigger stone club won the battle. How unpretty.

However, if we end up NOT going to war, I'd hate to see those bombs sit around and get stale. This has brought me to doing something I've never stooped to before, a top 10 list. Herewith find my proposed top 10 uses for surplus MOABs:

Want Freedom With That?

The France-bashing craze has made it to Capitol Hill. Rep. Bob Ney, R-Ohio, head of a panel that oversees House operations, ordered the House administrative officer to change the menus in House office building cafeterias to read "freedom fries" and "freedom toast."

I say why stop there? Let's remove ALL references to foreign countries from our food! I want cowboy (formerly Canadian) bacon on my pizza, boffo (Belgian) waffles for breakfast and a champion (California) wrap for dinner.

Career Move Of The Week

In a London concert early this week, Natalie Maines, of the monstrously popular Dixie Chicks, said, "Just so you know, we're ashamed the president of the United States is from Texas."

The comment drew a hugely positive response from the British crowd, who were apparently part of a growing mob who are ready to go after Tony Blair with pitchforks and torches.

Things are a bit different back across the pond, however. The three biggest country music stations in Kansas City pulled all Chicks tunes, and one even invited listeners to dump their Chicks CDs into a garbage can.

Things should get even more interesting next month, when the three Texas girls are scheduled to play to a sold-out house in Kansas City. I wouldn't want to be a scalper trying to get top dollar for those choice front-row seats, unless they come with a complimentary bucket of rotten fruit.

See Rock Cheeto!

To the list of national culinary attractions, please add the world's largest Cheeto, soon to be enshrined in Algona, Iowa.

The lemon-size cheesy snack, about 5 inches long and 6 inches in diameter, was found by a sailor in Pearl Harbor, Hawaii, when he opened a bag in search of snacking sustenance.

Jimmy Kimmel, ever in search of enough weirdness to fill up his nightly hour of TV time, made the unveiling of the giant snack part of his program.

The heck with the Cheeto. I'm looking for the world's largest Twinkie. I've got a big bowl for the batter, and I'll fry that sucker up and make dessert for 10.

Urban Legend Of The Week

One of the marks of a "good" Urban Legend is longevity. The same can be said for e-mail hoaxes. Some of these things come lurching back to life more often than extras in a George Romero flick.

Such is the case with this week's selection, which alert reader Kami Cornwall and several dozen others sent my way.

Did you know that if you just forward along an e-mail, Microsoft will write you a big, fat check? Honest! They're trying to make sure that Internet Explorer remains the No. 1 Web browser, and to encourage that they want you to forward an e-mail to as many folks as possible and they'll track it.

I've just boiled down the content of a much longer missive that's been circulating since September 1999, making it a veritable greybeard in the fast-pace world of Internet hoaxes.

Bill Gates may be a genius, and rich as Croesus, but even he does not have the wherewithal to track your e-mail, nor will he be writing you a check for sending along an e-mail.

For more on this and many other Urban Legends, check out my fellow traveler David Emery's shindig at About.com.

So, what's weird in your world? As ever, I look forward to all letters, screeds, speeches or professions of undying love. Just drop me a line anytime!

• March 7, 2003: No Business Like Snow Business
• Feb. 21, 2003: What Is Weird?
• Feb. 14, 2003: Let's Get Dudical
• Feb. 7, 2003: Going On Suburban Safari
• Jan 31, 2003: Clone On The Range
• Jan 17, 2003: The Kokomo Hum Crescendoes
• Jan. 10, 2003: Humming Along With Kokomo
• Jan. 3, 2003: The Weird Year In Review
• Dec. 20, 2002: Bigfoot, We Hardly Knew Ye