No. 3: Apples
Apples are bad giveaways for a couple of reasons: First, they aren't candy.
Sure, you can argue that people give out apples because they are healthy and won't rot your teeth. And that's fine, hippies, but we get plenty of fruit the rest of the year. Tonight is all about unhealthy, dentist-be-damned refined sugar.
Second, it's really just a waste, because no one eats the apple.
Forget that it's fruit and it's an insult, but even the kids who might eat them are hovered over by protective parents who are looking for hidden razor blades and syringe needles that you obviously planted in the apples to maim the children. (Never mind that if you did that, everyone would know who gave out the Death Apples, so it would be the easiest crime to solve, but we digress).
Suffice it to say, there's a time and place for apples, it's just not Halloween.
The same can be said for our next selection ...
No. 2: Raisins
As if apples weren't insulting enough, some people even have the guts to give out raisins. Let that sink in for a minute: Raisins ... and in those little, tiny, hard to access boxes to boot.
You want kids to be healthy, and that's great -- just not tonight. Tonight is about sugar and high fructose corny syrup, and everyone gets that. Even that smelly old cat lady who gave out the Smarties is on board.
If nothing else, think about your own children. They have to ride the bus with the other kids, and no one is going to be forgiving about the raisins, so come Nov. 1, your kids will pay the price.
But, if you're weird enough to give out raisins, you probably do other weird stuff that your kids are already paying the price for.
The point is this: Raisins are horrible. Let the parents worry about their kids rotting teeth.
Of course, there is one thing worse than giving out raisins for Halloween ...
No. 1: Pennies
At least the preceding two entries (apples and raisins) are arguably still treats. They can be eaten. They still are terrible Halloween treats, but it's better than our No. 1: Pennies.
It would be different if kids were given bags willed with five dollars in pennies, but instead these Halloween treat offenders tape together five pennies and send us on our way. A whole nickel, huh? Gee, thanks.
We can't think of a faster way to get your house egged back to the Stone Age. At least the Halloween community largely ignores the people who turn off their porch light and don't recognize the holiday.