Every Mother's Day, every salon in the country starts peddling makeovers. "Show Mom she's still beautiful!" they'll say, or "Help her recapture her youth and show her you love her."
Let's break down the logic here, shall we? If your mom was truly beautiful, would she need a makeover? Do you really want some spike-haired beauty school graduate slathering foundation like spackle over the face that used to look down on you when you were sick and used to light up when you got home from school?
And as for recapturing her youth? Pal, you were no picnic to raise. It's a safe bet that now that you're out of the house she's feeling younger than ever. If you're still living in her basement, this might not apply -- but there's a whole different set of issues to be dealt with there.
And speaking of issues ...
No. 2: Lingerie
This is something that's began in the last few years, and to us it's a sure sign that our society is teetering on the edge of complete collapse. Lingerie. For your MOTHER.
It doesn't matter if it's just a nice silk robe or a demure negligee; you are not supposed to buy that sort of thing for your mother. Does thinking that way make us prudes? Not hardly, and the smart money says most of you agree.
Unless your name is Oedipus, this is quite possibly the worst idea in the history of mother-son relations. It's just creepy.
Here's the woman who raised you, who kissed your boo-boos, signed your report cards, bathed you and taught you how to dress yourself and how to behave in public. Here's you giving her a box from Victoria's Secret.
Here's us, vomiting in the corner.
But even that's not as bad as our last choice ...
No. 1: Home appliances
Your mother spent a significant portion of her life cleaning up after you, ironing your clothes and doing all that other "mom" stuff that you've had to learn to do now that you're on your own.
The last, the VERY last thing she wants on Mother's Day is a gift that reminds her of those halcyon days when she spent an entire afternoon ironing a closet full of shirts that you would wear once and then leave crumpled in a heap on your bedroom floor.
Giving her a new vacuum cleaner, blender, iron or any other domestic accessory may seem like the sort of practical gift she'd be proud of you for buying, but trust us when we say that you couldn't do much worse.
Buy Mom some nice chocolates. Get her a gift certificate for a trip to a spa (sans makeover). Just stay out of the housewares department.