Nikki Glaser takes swings at CBS and Leo, goes gentle on Julia in Golden Globes monologue

LOS ANGELES – Nikki Glaser went hard then eased up in her monologue to open Sunday's Golden Globes.

In her earliest jokes she suggested stars in the room might be in the Epstein Files and took a shot at CBS, the network airing the show.

“There are so many A-listers, and by A-listers, I do mean people who are on a list that has been heavily redacted," she said. “And the Golden Globe for best editing goes to the Justice Department."

She segued into mocking the recent woes at CBS News and its killing of a critical “60 Minutes” story about the Trump Administration sending immigrants to a prison in El Salvador.

“The award for most editing goes to CBS News,” she said. “Yes, CBS News: America’s newest place to see BS news.”

She didn't bring up Venezuela, a subject she told The Associated Press this week she was considering mentioning, but worried it would already be old news in the chaotic moment. And there was no mention of ICE.

Glaser also told the AP she was struggling to find a joke about Julia Roberts, saying she was so beloved and respected that nothing Glaser tried with her comedy club test audiences was landing.

She found a way to come at it sideways.

“Just like the podcasters nominated tonight, I should not be allowed to be this close to Julia Roberts,” she said, and got the big laugh she was looking for.

It was Glaser's second time hosting the show. She was quickly rehired after getting strong reviews in her first outing last year. She was hired the first time after the ruthless roast she gave the attendees of the Netflix roast of Tom Brady. She's been kinder on the Globes, but her jokes still had some bite.

She made the obligatory joke about Leonardo DiCaprio dating young women.

“You’ve worked with every great director. You’ve won three Golden Globes and an Oscar,” she said. “And the most impressive thing is that you were able to accomplish all of that before your girlfriend turned 30.”

She then went meta and apologized for being so obvious.

“Leo, I’m sorry I made that joke, it’s cheap. You know what, I tried not to, but like, we don’t know anything else about you, man. Like, there’s nothing else, like open up!” she said, getting a bigger laugh than she did for the first joke, especially from DiCaprio himself.

She focused on the lean frame of Timothée Chalamet in her inevitable joke about the nominee — and later winner — for “Marty Supreme," calling him “the first actor in history to have to put on muscle for a movie about ping pong. This is true. He gained over 60 ounces.”

During the show, she stood in the audience and gave a presentation on the ballroom’s layout.

“To my right are the tables for ‘Hamnet,’ ‘All Her Fault’ and ‘Bugonia,'” she said, “an area we’re calling ‘traumatized woman alley.’ We’ll never find out where ‘traumatized men alley’ is because they’re not allowed to tell us.”

Like last year when she merged “Wicked” and “Conclave” into the aborted gag song “Popeular,” she started at one point to sing a deliberately hacky song.

This time she pretended to accidentally say “K-Pong Demon Hunters” before shedding her dress to show athletic wear underneath, grabbing a ping pong paddle-shaped microphone and merging “Marty Supreme” with “KPop Demon Hunters” to the tune of the latter’s best original song winner “Golden.”

“Marty” co-star Fran Drescher soon stepped out to cut Glaser off, saying in her famous nasal rasp, “You have to stop singing, your voice is so annoying.”

But Glaser was also on the receiving end of one joke, from Judd Apatow, who told a story before presenting best director.

“Nikki Glaser used to be our babysitter,” he said. “That’s true. She was our babysitter. And she’s like, ‘I do standup comedy.’ And then I went online to watch her set and it was all about smoking reefer and having weird sex and then she stopped being our babysitter.”

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