Why Santa Claus is terrifying

A nightmarish story of home invasion and industrial espionage


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 An institution may be ancient without being good. Try to hold that concept in mind when I tell you that Santa Claus is absolutely someone who should terrify you.

Now hear me out! I understand that everyone enjoys receiving presents. I understand that the man drives a clean energy vehicle. I understand that his punishments for insolent children are relatively light, even symbolic. Counterpoint: How does he know who these children are?

Are we really OK with an unregulated institution operating outside the United States and run by an unelected official monitoring every move made by our nation's children? Are we really prepared to allow this person to decide for us whether our children are "bad" or "good?" Who is he to decide what is acceptable behavior for our families?

Leaving aside those moral quandaries, let's look at the tangible legal violations committed on an industrial scale by this person. While Mr. Claus would like you to imagine a wooden toy train as the primary product put out by his massive unpaid labor force, the fact is that the majority of presents are copyrighted products. No company has reported its sales as coming from Santa Claus, and so that leaves only one option for how these products come to be: industrial espionage.

This is the face of someone who possesses the means to make infinite free PS4s. Also, probably a moonshiner.

Santa Claus is able to perfectly reproduce products made by Apple, Samsung, Mattel and, in some cases, even high end computers. The fact that he has access to this kind of forgery capability is astounding.

Finally, let's talk about one of the most troubling known issues with Santa Claus. This man breaks into homes. He does so whether the doors are locked or not. A locked door, even a home security system, has no effect on the ability of Santa Claus to access any of our homes. What will he do with that access? So far, we've trusted him not to abuse it, but something even more secure than trusting a stranger not to abuse their access to your home would be if that stranger simply did not have the access in the first place.

Santa Claus lives in what is essentially a wasteland. He has an army of workers in enough numbers that, in less than a year, they are able to make gifts for every living soul on Earth. Santa knows what you are doing at any given time. Santa can come for you at any time. Should Santa go rogue, should he command those elves to turn from making toys to making bombs, should he decide to plant those bombs beneath our beds over one fantastically productive and destructive night, we are defenseless.

Hold your loved ones close, ladies and gentlemen, and pray. It is late December, so we're in the clear for now, but he will be back to town next year. 

This article written as a response to our RECENT POLL , which was madness incarnate.